The Sunday Mail speaks on how to lure men (therefore it must be true).

My dear father sent this to me for my education, complete with keywords underlined in red. A subtle hint to get a move on and start producing grandchildren to play with in his retirement.

Are “perceptive, passionate and physically fit” the top three must haves adjectives in a bloke’s profile?  Is it really a turn-off for a girl to be romantic? If you leave it to the man, chances are you’ll end up at the Coffee Club for a not-so-romantic cup of tea. But I’ve already whinged about that. And why would a guy showing a bit of R-E-S-PECT be a minus? Aretha rated it. What do you think?

For the record, let it be known that I do not read the Sunday Mail.

A perceptive man-page-001

Shaken, not stirred.

 Story donated by The Chokee to the Purple Frock

“So I met this boy online, and decided to go on a date with him. I was very nervous about it, and he knew I was very nervous about it. We met for a casual drink at South Bank, he seemed genuine, nice, we got along really well, so I was happy with how it all went.

For our second date we went to a movie at South Bank. The movie finished quite late, about 1230, and afterwards we went down to where our cars were parked underneath the cinema. So we’re saying goodbye, I gave him a hug then a kiss, noticing that it’s around 1am and there’s nobody else in the carpark. Next thing I know, we’re kissing and I feel a hand around my neck, which was a bit strange.

59056d11626511d4b5d8188f55348be8I wasn’t sure what was going on, but he does it again, and again, about five times, and each time the pressure gets harder. I’m thinking, “Oh my God, I’m going to be raped and killed here, who haven’t I told I loved, my days are over!”  I manage to say “oh, it’s getting late, I better get going.” He assured me,Great, no problem, I’ll talk to you soon, let’s hang out again soon, yeah?” seeming ever so keen, while I’m thinking “oh my gosh, no!” I pretty much get in the car, lock my door, anxious to get out of there, and he’s waiting for me, making sure I’m getting out okay.

I drove home and in a fit of panic told my housemate about it, she also felt it was a bit weird. The next day I said to him, “thanks for everything, we’ll meet up again, did you notice though that I freaked out a bit last night?”

Choker: “No, when?”
I’m thinking “like when you were trying to strangle me” but said “oh, when you were a bit rough with me.” 

The Choker replied, “Oh don’t worry, I’m just into a bit of choking, biting and slapping”. I told him I wasn’t really into that, and he assured me that he wouldn’t do it again, but I didn’t believe him.

Believe it or not, my manager at work convinced me to see this boy again (that thing about who needs enemies with “friends” like these!), persuading me that he had otherwise seemed really nice and had promised not to do it again. So we go to the movies again, and he convinced me to move my car away from the paid undercover parking to the street parking three blocks away. I’m thinking, here we go again, what’s going to happen here. So I moved the car, went to the movies, walked back, again very late at night, gave him a quick kiss, escaped as fast as I could, and never heard from him again.

I think he got the gist that I wasn’t into the choking, biting and slapping.

So there you go, that’s the story.  (Except in Brisbane, as you know by now, it’s never the end. This guy knows The Chokee’s current partner, and there is even photo evidence to prove it!)

 

New York City: Fascinating dating facts

According to this week’s Time Out New York, more than 50% of Manhattanites are single.  Can that really be true? It’s a city for ACTION! not to settle down with a white picket fence and 2.25 kids, that’s for sure. Time Out even has a challenge for the loveless out there – simply email undateable@timeout.com to be matched with another undateable, and you get to rate each other publicly on first impression, chemistry, post reaction and ultimate verdict. 

No wonder I feel at home when I’m in New York, where undateables are the majority and rule the world :)

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Online dating: Pre-requisites and photo fails.

For anyone who’s flirted with E-harmony, you know it’s not a one-click affair (so to speak). There’s the personality profile to complete, extensive questionnaires on values, two pages of details to try and be cute, funny, interesting, and somehow entice Mr. EH into your inbox, then the hundreds of questions on everything ranging from whether fruit should be in salads, your opinion on sex before marriage, gay parenting, bowling versus antique shopping as a great date (neither not being an option), religion, boat people, and the percentage of times you might expect a kiss on the first date.

Then, EH apparently performs some extremely complicated algorithms (not algorhythm as a musician’s brain might consider) to ensure that you’re “matched on the important areas of life”. It’s weird who ends up in your inbox – a work colleague whose wife left him last year, that guy from salsa dancing (despite eye contact at the next class which suggests that both of you know that you know, although IT remains unspoken) and your friend from high school’s recently ex-husband. He’s an ex for many good reasons. The most complex algorithm of all though seems to be how to turn off the membership auto-renew. Having got caught out the first time, this time I was SURE I deactivated that thing. Yet I’ve been billed for another 12 months against my will, and no amount of emailing has yielded any luck with a refund. Anyhoo, I digress.

You know you’re starting to recycle matches is when the guy you were totally in love with appears in your inbox, with bells, whistles and trumpets sounding because you have just SO much in common. Then again a few months later after he renews his membership. (Can’t you just get married already and get out of my inbox?!!) The end of the entire EH catalogue is nigh when this is the lone match that comes up, after having been “matched on the important things in life”. No offence Peter.

not peter

The profile photo is clearly not Peter, I wasn’t fooled there. To his credit, he’s honest about being unemployed. At least he didn’t put up photos of himself with his arm around his last girlfriend (with her shoulder still in the photo), a hand casually scratching his brow displaying his wedding ring, a romantic photo with his (hopefully ex?)wife, or cuddling a very pregnant woman presumably carrying his child, as I have seen on Tinder. Ewww. But a little effort wouldn’t go astray Peter. You’re not giving a gal much to go on here!

 A guy friend shared the must-haves for one’s online photo gallery to be the catch-of-the-day: 

  1. Photo in exotic location (interesting, can afford to travel)
  2. twins Photo with the lads (demonstrating not a Nigel, has friends and a laugh, can leave the house occasionally. Might I suggest though that if you only have one photo in the gallery it’s not of you and your best mate, like this one. First of all we can’t tell which one is available for dating, secondly it looks like you’re a couple. Which is fine if that’s the case but if we were matched you must have ticked the girl box at some point. Just sayin.)

3. Photo flexing muscles at the gym, or shirtless by the pool (hinting at virile manly powers).

4. Photo with small child to prove sensitive metro side (the smart ones make reference to favourite nieces if the child is not actually theirs. With others, you might prime yourself to cope with his brood of five kids, only to find out that he’d borrowed some youngsters as an excuse to go see the new Lego movie). Seriously. It’s true. You go look at those photo galleries.  

This however, has to take the proverbial cake for most misleading profile picture. Daniel really wants nothing more than good conversation, a deep connection and an old-fashioned, committed relationship after really taking the time to get to know his lady. He can’t understand why women think he just wants one thing.

photo

Could you even call it a profile picture?  You’d only recognise him in the street as the guy clutching his genitals. It was a tough choice whether to upload this image as thumbnail, medium, and full size (is it really full size Daniel?) but I decided he needed to be shamed very publicly. 

Not much can follow this (or more to the point, I don’t want to see what can follow this) so I’m signing out now.