Bunny boilers and polyamorous pansexuals

It’s been very educational dipping my toes into the murky waters of online dating again.  The first shock was creating a profile and being spoiled for choice when identifying one’s sexuality. Apparently, as well as the boring old straight, gay and bi, some people strongly identify as asexual, demisexual, heteroflexible, homoflexible, pansexual (as opposed to bisexual), queer questioning, or sapiosexual. You can tick up to five categories if your situation is on the complicated side. Phew!

I’ve also learned that some guys have had bad experiences with bunny boilers, and that not having a chode is a source of pride for others (as in “Basically I like sex and sex and i’m good at it so ladies get on the end of it and i dont have a chode”.

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If that temptation was not enough, I heard from a pansexual dude in a polyamorous relationship (well actually, ployamaorous :) of nearly 20 years, who likes to perform improvised comedy and has two amazing kids. Friday nights he stays at home with aforementioned amazing kids while his wife goes out on dates, but Saturday nights are a whole different story, and are wide open for more polyamorous adventures. Suddenly I felt kinda naive looking for the regular ole one guy one girl commitment thing. At the other extreme, I next heard from a “normal guy just looking for a normal guy and normal life”. Obviously he hadn’t read my profile; anyone who knows me that “normal” doesn’t describe my life. Perhaps somewhere in the middle please?

One was busy with “health issues” (cancer); another was ” just taking things slow right now, because i just recover from heart attack recently, but will be resuming working tomorrow”. Possibly not the strongest suit to have on your profile, but I hope there’s a girl out there who loves nothing better than a good heart attack, and can’t wait to nurse him back to health. Maybe he has a nurse fetish. 

In a similar vein of low expectations while facing mortality, one guy told the world, “It’s not likely I’ll ever be a multi – millionaire, but what I have is yours, when I die.” Shared between every girl who viewed his profile of course. 

Finally, Largetreat (already very very bad,  who chooses that kind of username?) told me that “Although it would be so much more fun to tell our friends that we met as our eyes locked as we were reaching for the mangos in Whole Foods, the reality is that we might never meet since I no longer like mangos.  I should point out that there is a Dominant streak in there.. Care to bring it out?”

Obviously the mangoes were a front. Unlike Largetreat, I do still like mangoes, but the odds of me and Largetreat getting together are slim.  And that’s okay.

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Dating Agencies: Epic Double Fail

I’m not sure if I believe in the Universe, but nevertheless today the Universe gave me two kicks up the butt.

First of all, after many phone calls and emails, I managed to get a refund on a dating agency which has been consistently impressive in avoiding any kind of contact, let alone setting up dates. After nine months and a supposed value of $4,500 (admittedly I didn’t pay that) I have met a total of zero people, including anyone in the office. They were so bad that I will go ahead with a name and shame. You and I Introductions – do stay clear. There’s a lot of money to be made in people looking for love, and they’re doing very well at it.

The second was this email from a Dating Agency who I do in fact believe in:

Dear Purple Frock,

Sorry I have been off air. I have some bad news. My business partner, Virginia has taken all my money. Every cent. I am trying legal avenues to reclaim some but it’s very difficult with no money. Even though X is no longer a company, I still had every intention of finding you someone wonderful. Please understand at the moment business is somewhat paused. I cannot even afford to pay my phone bill. Once things are back on track I will resume matchmaking. I am now looking for paid work so I can feed my family but will continue to do matchmaking in my spare time. I really regret what has happened to me & most especially how it is affecting people like you whom I really care about.

Guess there’s no refund coming from that one. DOUBLE FAIL.  The weird thing is that I had a totally bad vibe about Virginia from the beginning. Everything was fake, her manner, her eyebrows, cheekbones, boobs, and her “daaahlings”. But the real message is that I don’t need them. Everything else in my life I have created and manifested, and now it’s time for the Purple Frock to ride again. My way. (Cue Frank Sinatra if you like).

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