Most. Hurtful. Misogynistic. Profile. Ever.

Warning…this is ugly. And I quote..

“You are not some special gem of a woman that’s just picky and hasn’t found the right guy yet. Chances are you’re a little more than ‘a few extra pounds’ over weight, are not very attractive, have kids or have some sort of abrasive character trait that has rendered you un-f*ckable by every other guy you’ve come across in real life. If neither of these are the case then congratulations you are here for the same reason I am – to get laid. (Unless you are some unfortunate combination of more than one of those things)

 This does not give you the right to type out an entire ‘about me’ section with the type of guys who cannot message you (ie. if you’re short don’t message me, if you’re black don’t message me, if you’re just looking for sex don’t message me) listen up girls, you are on PLENTY O’ FISH not Australia’s most eligible bachelorette list – take what ever you can get!

 We know you are ‘fun and ‘outgoing’, we also know that you ‘like to have a good time and stay active’ and that ‘you never really know what to write in these little boxes’ (Because you’re so f*cking fascinating words cannot even begin to describe you in all your glory)… No girl on earth tries to attract potential mates with “I like to stay home and play WoW while I kill the batteries in my big purple dildo thinking of that guy on the bus who brushed up against my arm”… Try coming up with something original, something REAL… And no song lyrics are not original, nor is talking about yourself in 3rd person or telling everybody how unique and different you are. You are a woman, there are over 3 billion of you on earth and although you may have differences in appearance and girth, you’re all the same really.

 Now if you’re still reading this and you want to come over to my place, booze it up and get laid, then send me a message. Am I going to bang you and never talk to you again? Maybe. Are you ever gonna call me again? Maybe, we’ll see how it goes. I’m not saying it won’t turn into something more but let’s get serious, why go through the games and bullsh*t when we’re both playing for the same end game.”

Purple Frock: (deep breath) I just hope that a. his inbox remains empty, b. women manage avoid crossing his path until he has a major attitude shift, and c. that he never tries contacting me again.  (Another deep breath,  some vague attempt to feel compassion and kindness, and fighting the urge to close my online profile). I know there are better men out there. As Bon Jovi once yelled, “You give love a bad name.” Shame on you. 

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Harleys, Hernias, and Herpes

Picture this: a selfie taken in the bathroom mirror, guns flexed. That type.  I already know he hasn’t read my profile before contacting me, but I keep reading. Yep, it’s bad.

bayside69 isn’t seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment. Does not want children.  I like to wine and dine a lady than I think we all know what’s for desert (EWWWW! misspelling all his btw) I’m better looking in person I’m a hard ten love me Harley and me boys wanna know more or just catch up skip the dinner ;) If ur patient u will get ur turn. Plenty of time for all of use x

Ha. If I’m patient? It’s hard to know which is worse, bayside69 (oh dear) or Mr Gray Australia who really loves playing the pokies. “Please no ice addicts is my only request.” I’ve never come across ice, pokies and S&M in one paragraph before, but you can only marvel at Mr Gray. He’s a man who knows what he wants.

It also seems like a week of encountering the unmentionables..  A dude with the profile name “Upfront and honest” was certainly that.  The opening line of his profile was: “Now the part that will scare most of you off…. I have herpes, ok so 1 in 6 people do, it shocked me when I found out but hey thats what happens when your partner doesn’t tell you the truth. But you know what at least it’s nothing that will kill me and life is as normal as ever. I am still the same person just a little wiser.”  Now, if you met a cute stranger in a bar, would you tell him in the first five seconds that you have herpes? I appreciate the honesty, but…

One promising guy with an amazing smile waited until our first email to tell me about his recent hernia operation. So even  gorgeous guys get hernias. Somehow it killed my enthusiasm…Guys, there’s a time and place for revealing grisly details about your privates, okay? I thought you’d rather a picture of a Harley rather than herpes or hernias by the way.

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Hiding behind a whale

So as all good dating stories begin, I met this guy. Well, nearly met this guy. To be more precise, sort of met him online. As much as you can without knowing whom you are meeting.

Motivated to be proactive and scan through hundreds of online profiles, the first one that really caught my eye was a scientist. He’s mid-40s, had some appropriately weird / cool interests (depending which side of the fence you sit on), and was funny, at least to me anyway. He wrote a sassy and clever introductory email, and I have to say I was impressed.

There were two hesitations though which I wanted to clear up.

The first was that he had left the box blank as to whether he wanted (more) kids. He reassured me that he “would like to have a child with the right woman, why not?”. This really annoys me.  Who wants to have children with the wrong person? I especially hate the “Why not?!” as if the thought just occurred to him that it might be a fun thing to do. Like ordering dessert.  “Why not?”

The second vexing issue was that his profile photo was of a whale.  It was a lovely whale, don’t get me wrong. Turns out shy Dr. Scientist dude was hesitant to post a photo for fear of being identified by his university students, who might then spread malicious rumours about his quest for love. Which is kinda fine…. except… we all take the risk that we will be “found” online. We’ve all been matched with people we know in real life, recognised that guy from the salsa class; that guy you did a gig with who was recently separated and devastated. It’s a little embarrassing. It happens. Chances are that his university students will be browsing for 20 year olds instead of middle aged men anyway.

Dr. Scientist’s cunning solution was for me to write an email to his private email, so he could in return send me the photo. Which means that he then has my personal email, and can instantly find out a whole lot about me. Yes, I could create a fake email address, but I don’t like being fake. If he sent me his best looking mug shot and I wasn’t into it, I would feel like a shallow biatch and it could get really awkward. The whale photo was becoming a Thing.

What Dr. Scientist hadn’t considered was that the tech-savvy Purple Frock could grab his Christian name from his personal email and the snippets gleaned through his profile to find him and his photo in thirty seconds flat.

As I suspected, I didn’t like what I saw. At all. Go on, say I’m superficial. I just couldn’t do it. I know that attraction can grow and develop over time, that beauty is on the inside, all of that. Super hot men become unappealing to me if they’re arrogant, conversely guys who are hardly pinup material become gorgeous through their kindness or spirit. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and someone who might be irresistible to me is not at all to you.

But, internet dating is all about that vital first impression. If one guy doesn’t catch your eye, there are thousands more just waiting for you to click through on the next page.  I might argue that it’s the same in real life – if I’m at a bar, I don’t seek out a guy who is unappealing to me in just in case he was lovely and interesting. There has to be a physical attraction as well (Or fisical, as I’ve been reading all too often lately). Unfortunately, in the world of online dating there isn’t the opportunity to gradually get to know someone over coffee breaks at work over a period of time;  judgements are instant.

So the Dr. Scientist will remain unmet, and it felt like the right thing to do for now. He’s since taken his profile down, despairing of online dating… he might have been better off being honest, and attaching his photo.

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Being picky, and weird hobbies

Over the years, a number of people have assumed that being an unmarried lassie means that I must be picky. So I was relieved to find out that I’m not the only one out there with high standards.

I was messaged by a guy who is looking for “ONLY Asian Girls please respect my choices Please no over 38’s or overweight woman either.” Dude, I’m respecting your choices, but my photo clearly does not show an Asian girl. Sorry to be disrespectful. Perhaps you might actually like to look at my profile.

Another emphasised with bold type, “I am only interested in meeting women aged between 20 – 35 years old.” It was very disappointing not to meet his standards. His name?  fatpizzaman44. I wonder how all the 20-35yr olds out there feel about meeting 44 year old Fat Pizza Men.

After all of this, it was reassuring to come across a guy who was much more broadminded, interested in meeting women aged 36-92. Really?  How many 92 year olds are online for starters, let alone dealing with this brave new world of demisexuals and heteroflexibles?

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It was also great to know that I’m not the only one out there with weird hobbies, as men interested in the arts do seem to be thin on the ground. I chatted with a guy who loves baking cookies and drinking hot milk, and a self-described intellectual who is really into phylosphy, the fisical and methafisical (spelling ALL his baby).  

Another described his hobby as “accepting the universe for what it is…..pork chops.” I’m not sure if that was meant to be profound, or a grammar issue, but it’s something for all of us to consider, vegans and carnivores alike.

The killer though was a guy who enjoys looking at his fishtank when he needs to relax. So that’s what I’ve been missing all these years!  

Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up. I’m off to buy a fishtank.














did you read my profile?

I would love to meet someone that has a rather normal life