Free tickets to Madonna.. with a catch.

I’d like to introduce the two standout picks of the week.

Firstly, our muscly* friend below, who does not have a profession, and wants to date girls with tanned skins and accents (I’m amazed I attracted his attention). He’s Catholic (yes, truly, devout I’m sure), and he assures us on the profile, “Yes I’m real”.  What a relief. Shame I’m pasty white and Australian. I guess that’s an “accent” as soon as you leave Australia?!


 Hope you enjoyed that girls.*Urban dictionary tells me muscly is for imbeciles who don’t know how to use the word muscular. Whatever. I choose to use muscly.

The second is a 38 yr old guy who is retired. There’s a story to this. Of course.

“I’m partially paralysed down my left hand side due to a brain injury. My only cognitive issue is short term memory. I love going to the footy and seeing singers live. Coming up I have tickets to see Ed Sherran, Sam Smith and Madonna. I get free tickets because of my disabilities, so if you would like to see these sort of things and have room in your car for my wheelchair get in touch”.

Poor guy…but dude, you need a better sell!

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My future husband-to-be. Is my search over?

Hi, my name is Guitar Dude. I just found you through an advanced search where I narrowed it down to pretty much exactly what I’m looking for and I’m not sure why I didn’t think of doing that sooner. Your profile seems really cool and I hope you are still single and available to chat and see if we are well suited to each other.

Chat soon hopefully.

Purple Frock: (Still single? And how.).  My offers this week were a “self-confessed boob man”, a guy who was out to “receive absolutely non ashamedly (sic) hot, passionate sex and one-off experiences of delicious, juicy , deep, intimate sexual encounters”, dozens of people who want to spend every second outdoors (I don’t do outdoors), and  Master seeking submissive playmates. The latter had one well-trained, nice looking sub, and looking to add one more. He was happily married. Perhaps his wife was the well-trained sub?  Either way….ewwww!

In contrast, Guitar Dude wanted a long-term relationship, family, was into reading, had a degree in Education, worked as a teacher, was passionate about ongoing learning, guitar, bands, was very ambitious, went to the US regularly for training.. so I replied. Guitar Dude was quite excited, as you will read below.

Yo Purple Frock, (PF: Did he really just use yo as a term of endearment?)

Okay, that’s great that you’re still kicking around. Now, it seems that your special guy just might have found you. I remember reading in your profile that you’d rather move on to a catch up than play email ping pong for too long, which is great. I am on the same page. Also, I remember reading your profile a second time last night and thinking, Wow, this woman is really great. I especially liked the part about you supporting my personal growth and professional aspirations, while I nurture you creative lifestyle and artistic dreams. That is so cool. That is exactly what I’m looking for.

I gotta be honest. You’re ticking all my boxes and I’m very much looking forward to chatting.

You have a great day too,

Guitar Dude.

Purple Frock’s profile writer’s response (yes, I have a profile writer. She’s won me several huge grants, and hopefully her writing skills will attract the most elusive prize of all) : “Do you want me to reply to him? He sounds like a total wanker, omg, but pleased that my writing skills are luring dudes. Though you are so much more amazing than my biggest, bestest writing skills could ever capture, even remotely. You rock girl and you need a fucking rocking dude too.”

Unfortunately, it takes more than detailed searches on dating websites to create a connection in real life. 

“Ambitious” meant teaching group guitar lessons at his parents’ house no more than 18 hours a week, the rest of the time was spent ruminating over how to have assistants to teach his students while he made money, and how to get rid of his administration to someone else (ermm. surely there’s time to do both if you’re only teaching 18 hours a week?) He spends the rest of his time reading business books and planning how to grow his business by doing automatic posts to Gumtree (so he doesn’t have to waste his time doing so).

Strangely, he will only teach one-on-one lessons if the applicant writes a 2000-3000 essay describing his musical and life aspirations, begging for individual tuition (which apparently is completely ineffective). Guitar Dude doesn’t really leave the house, had never been to West End or the Brisbane Powerhouse before. He was friendly and chatty, but not the sharpest tool in the shed, nor the brightest crayon in the box. The best part of the date was hearing about his trip to NYC. In the two days he spent in the coolest city on earth, he walked up 7th Ave from his hotel to Central Park, then walked back. On the second day, he did exactly the same thing. 

Guitar Dude has no idea what he missed out on in NYC. Maybe I have no idea what I’m missing out on either, but I’m happy to take the risk.

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Profile spotlight: Underwater basketweaver

Megalomaniac midget with a glass eye & a wooden leg seeks a self-absorbed neurotic for mutual psychological torture and co-dependency; although i will settle for a post-op tranny billionaire.

I’m single, over-weight, out of shape, unemployed, uneducated, bankrupt, and a bit on the dramatic and psychotic side depending on which personality we are dealing with at the time.

I enjoy bulldozing rainforest’s, tequila bingo, Ed Wood movies, camping in cemeteries, underwater bowling, holding up bottle shops, driving in reverse and self-righteous indignation. I would give an unbiased opinion of myself based on how my friends would describe me, but I have no friends.

I can’t stand movies, and the last album I bought was Elton Johns “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy”. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I am exceptionally good and multi-talented in bed, I can speed-read a Playboy magazine whilst playing NRL on my Xbox, whether I’m lying on my back or on top.

My ideal date would include getting hammered in a cheesy bar on your credit card while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match over the bill. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread, but much prefer a long-term, soul destroying descent into booze, pills & mutual hate discussions. No friendships. I don’t need any godd*mn friends. I have voices in my head for that.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 35 and rehash mother issues with women over 35.

This is the truth, only if its not the truth ;-) ………….\/ \/ \/

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